So after spending way too long trying to tweet a funny story in 140 characters I reluctantly gave up, and had the idea to perhaps do a little segment of funny stories on here.
I attract bizarre people and this combined with my willingness to chat to anyone often results in rather strange and sometimes dangerous situations - varying from ex-spies running from the Government to mad old women try to convince me i'm an alien...
I have had many jobs some I have loved some I have hated - doing Street Fundraising for charities was one that I enjoyed at first but after nearly being punch in the face 4 times I decided to hang up my clip board and admit defeat.
The job in itself was one big recipe for disaster - When you are stood in the middle of a busy London high street trying to stop people for 8 hours the likely-hood of coming across a psychopath is surprisingly high. After being threatened, stalked, and abused by various members of the public I put down my wind breaker and cried in a corner for a few days, before crying in bed for a month.
I may be mentally scarred, have bad anxiety and now hate everything and everyone..but hey I have some mildly funny stories to show for it.
I attract bizarre people and this combined with my willingness to chat to anyone often results in rather strange and sometimes dangerous situations - varying from ex-spies running from the Government to mad old women try to convince me i'm an alien...
I have had many jobs some I have loved some I have hated - doing Street Fundraising for charities was one that I enjoyed at first but after nearly being punch in the face 4 times I decided to hang up my clip board and admit defeat.
The job in itself was one big recipe for disaster - When you are stood in the middle of a busy London high street trying to stop people for 8 hours the likely-hood of coming across a psychopath is surprisingly high. After being threatened, stalked, and abused by various members of the public I put down my wind breaker and cried in a corner for a few days, before crying in bed for a month.
I may be mentally scarred, have bad anxiety and now hate everything and everyone..but hey I have some mildly funny stories to show for it.
THE TIME I ALMOST DID BATH SALTS
On this occasion I was working in Kings Cross outside the station, near the scary policemen with the unnecessarily big guns - It was a sunny day and I was wearing way too many layers as per usual. The day prior I managed to break my wrist (a story for another day) so was wearing a huge white cast and sling, which to my dismay didn't get any sympathy stops.
After a long day in the sun; with not a single sign up, I began to feel a bit delirious and like a starved lion hallucinating about meat, I dreamt of a sweet old lady approaching me and signing up so I could go home - then, there on the horizon I saw a quirky looking older women with crazy hair and layers and layers of weird jewellery.. A H I P P Y !! Bells rang and birds sang.
This grey haired women, with layers of pearls and home-made looking jewellery did stop and after ignoring my cheery greeting she frowned and stared at me for a few minuets, before opening with
'Oh dear......you don't look very well. You look awful'
I thought she was referring to my broken arm and weather beaten face - she wasn't.
'You're green. You're scaly and green. Seriously what the hell is wrong with you. Are you an alien? Oh my god you're an alien.' She had a horse deep voice and spat when she spoke.
She sounded terrified. 'You're a real alien ahhh. I always thought i'd see one! Are you okay?!'
I was just stood there like...
Being the awkward person I am I decided to ignore this women's insanity and proceed with my pitch, which was a stupid idea - 'I'm doing fine, but i'll tell you what's not doing so fine.....Africa...' As I launched into my pitch on water purification she interrupted me 'You should go back to you're own planet. You alien. You are horrible. *mean words mean words* I also think you should chop off a limb you would feel much better'
Cue awkward silence.
I thought she was referring to my broken arm and weather beaten face - she wasn't.
'You're green. You're scaly and green. Seriously what the hell is wrong with you. Are you an alien? Oh my god you're an alien.' She had a horse deep voice and spat when she spoke.
She sounded terrified. 'You're a real alien ahhh. I always thought i'd see one! Are you okay?!'
I was just stood there like...
Being the awkward person I am I decided to ignore this women's insanity and proceed with my pitch, which was a stupid idea - 'I'm doing fine, but i'll tell you what's not doing so fine.....Africa...' As I launched into my pitch on water purification she interrupted me 'You should go back to you're own planet. You alien. You are horrible. *mean words mean words* I also think you should chop off a limb you would feel much better'
Cue awkward silence.
She saw my confused face and proceeded..
'I can help you if you like, just an arm or leg will do. I promise you'll feel much better.'
She tried to convince me for about half an hour, then I realised that I was arguing with a mad women about why I wasn't going to amputate my own leg and had a WHAT HAS LIFE COME TO moment.
I tried to leave at this point but she held by arm and told me she had a secret to tell me, which made me want to leave even more as i'm bad at keeping secrets but she insisted I stayed.
She began 'Well i'm really into bath salts..and I think you should try them.' Not what I was expecting 'They will stop you from being an alien and turn you back into a human, so you need them. Here have mine.' She handed me a little bag of crystals and smiled at me, I thanked her thinking it was very sweet but there was no way I was putting them into my bath when I had a nice Lush bath bomb waiting for me at home. I carried on with my day and didn't see her again...
It was only when I got home to my family a few hours later, with the bath salts, that I was informed that I had just taken part in a drug deal. I was disappointed to hear that the sachet did not contain any lavender scented bath crystals but instead a zombifying drug that has been known to make people eat each other. Oops.
'I can help you if you like, just an arm or leg will do. I promise you'll feel much better.'
She tried to convince me for about half an hour, then I realised that I was arguing with a mad women about why I wasn't going to amputate my own leg and had a WHAT HAS LIFE COME TO moment.
I tried to leave at this point but she held by arm and told me she had a secret to tell me, which made me want to leave even more as i'm bad at keeping secrets but she insisted I stayed.
She began 'Well i'm really into bath salts..and I think you should try them.' Not what I was expecting 'They will stop you from being an alien and turn you back into a human, so you need them. Here have mine.' She handed me a little bag of crystals and smiled at me, I thanked her thinking it was very sweet but there was no way I was putting them into my bath when I had a nice Lush bath bomb waiting for me at home. I carried on with my day and didn't see her again...
It was only when I got home to my family a few hours later, with the bath salts, that I was informed that I had just taken part in a drug deal. I was disappointed to hear that the sachet did not contain any lavender scented bath crystals but instead a zombifying drug that has been known to make people eat each other. Oops.
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